Gunner's 1 Year Milestones

When Gunner's 1st birthday came this year, I was not prepared for the magnitude in which it hit me. I thought I may feel a little grief, but was amazed at how difficult it actually was. The night before his birthday, I was making banana bread, just because I wanted to, and because both Eric and Hope love it. It was then, that it occurred to me that I should be baking a 1st birthday cake. From that moment, I was overwhelmed by the sadness and grief.

His birthday was a very difficult day for me. I don't know how else to explain how I felt, but pure grief. I will forever miss his firsts. First birthday, first word, first smile, first temper tantrum, first fall, first day of school, endless and countless firsts.

My mom rescued me that day. She was much more prepared for my emotions than I was. My mother in law made the phone call that I couldn't even answer the phone without bursting into tears. Thank you to all that remembered in whatever way that day. I have learned that I do better being surrounded by people at those hard times.

The day of his death was somehow easier. Probably because Eric took the day off so that we could go up to Estes. My mom and Jordan were able to go with us as well. It was actually the first time Jordan had been back to see the headstone. I remember it was freezing, so we didn't stay too long. Jordan brought up 2 really cute dogs, one for Hope and one for Gunner.

We had a nice time and after getting some lunch (of course, that is part of the tradition of going to Estes!) we went to a park near by. The thing I will remember is that Eric was pushing Hope so high on the swing that I kept thinking, "Heavenly Father, you know I can live through losing another child, right?"

I love that Hope associates going to the mountains with going to see Gunner. The 1 year anniversary of the burial was also a difficult day, but again I was able to feel the sadness for a few moments, then return to my gratitude for the blessings in my life. I remember during that time when I prayed that I would tell Heavenly Father that I was sorry that I was feeling sorry for myself, but that if He just gave me a few short minutes of sadness, I could return to my gratitude. Sometimes when I tell Eric, that I talk to my Heavenly Father that way, I think he thinks I am a little crazy. But, I feel comfortable enough to be honest, and talk to my Father in Heaven like I do my Dad here on earth. Maybe I am crazy but I love my Father in Heaven and I am grateful that He accepts me for who I am.

Christmas 2010

I am really bummed at how few pictures I took for Christmas. It was so awesome to have everyone home. Hope was in HEAVEN playing with her cousins. I was in HEAVEN just having time with everyone. The time I love the most is when we are just at home visiting and spending time together.
The traditional PJ's for Christmas Eve. Unfortunately I guess I only got a picture of the little girls.

Letter to Santa and treats for Santa and the Reindeers. Carter was very graciously the scribe.


We stayed the night at my parents. I wasn't sure at first if she was going to be willing to stay in the room with the kids, but she was able to sleep through the commotion in the morning. They woke us up at 4:30, I think. Everyone else was up at 4:00. That may sound crazy to some, but it sounds like Christmas to me!



This year for Christmas Dad spend countless hours making all of us individualized boxes. They are incredibly beautiful. Each one was unique and custom for the individual. I need to get pictures to post.
This Christmas is going down in the records as a really special one, it doesn't get any better than having everyone together.
This last picture cracks me up because Hope really took to Ryan. This picture was after a bath and Ryan was the only one she would let comb her hair. She also let him adjust her while he was here. Ever since they have been gone, sometimes Hope will still ask if Ryan can come and play princess dress up etc. Too funny!

Christmas Eve Morning in Estes Park 2010

This year everyone was home for Christmas! It really was a special year. Eric and I knew that we wanted to get up to Estes before Christmas was over, so we decided that Christmas Eve morning would be a great time to go. We really didn't expect that many of our family members would be interested in going, but we extended the invitation anyway.

We were so surprised when everyone wanted to go with us. Gable was able to come even though it was his time to be with his wife's family. Jordan couldn't get off work, but everyone else was there.

Hope on the way there. She just cracks me up. Sometimes the sunglasses are on the right way, sometimes they are upside down.

Everything was covered in snow. so everyone went on the hunt. I didn't have great shoes on, or gloves so I just observed. The funny thing was Julia was by me, and I said, I think it is right in this area, and I was right! I am not the most observant person, so I surprised myself.


What a good looking group!


After the cemetery, we stopped at Village Pizza for lunch then back home to enjoy the rest of the Christmas festivities.

It meant so much to me that we were able to go, and to be surrounded by family. I know that Gunner knows that we made the effort to be there and that we were thinking of him on Christmas. I had moments that I felt the ache of missing him. I also had moments of trying to imagine how different things would be if he was there with us. But I also marveled at the miracles that have taken place because of him.

Christmas Sunday

I just want to write this down so that I remember. Every Sunday, it works out that I get Hope dressed while Eric is in the shower. And every Sunday as soon as she is dressed, she runs to the bathroom to show her daddy her "beautiful dress". Sometimes she just stands there for as long as it takes for him to realize she is standing there. Sometimes she just can't wait, so she says something so he knows she is there. I love this little tradition because every single time, Eric tells her just how beautiful she is, and she loves every minute of it. Every little girl should know just how beautiful their daddy thinks they are, right?

This Sunday, Eric had to leave early. It was also the Sunday before Christmas. So, Hope said, "Oh no! Daddy not here to see my beautiful dress!" Then SHE suggested we take a picture so that he could see it later. How could I turn down such a request?

Notice Big Bertha (our Christmas tree) in the back. Our tree was HUGE this year!

Pictures with Santa

Every year we go to Bass Pro Shop to see Santa. It seems kind of funny, but we love it because they give you a professional picture. Plus, it seems we always have something to buy while we are there anyway. If you go, you MUST go during the week, because the wait can be 2+ hours long!


They also have a place for the kids to have a "Snowball fight". That was the highlight for Hope. She is not a shy little girl.

Of course we go around to see the animals too. This picture cracks me up. She was trying to smile like I asked her to, but was also trying to look at the fish.

Thanksgiving 2010

I am SO behind on blogging! This year for Thanksgiving we went up to Windsor to celebrate with Kirsti and Mike and Aaron and Pam, and their families. We had a lot of fun, and tons of good food. It was fun to see Hope with all of her cousins. It was also fun to see how you can take 2 little girls (Hope and Brynlee) and see just how different they can be. Let's just say Hope was a little like a bull in a china shop. She seems to have settled back into the more calm child we know and love.
These are the fun little project that Kirsti had for the kids.


The kids at the kids table. No nap for Hope that day = delusional!

Our little helper

So this fall we had a lot of fun cleaning up the leaves! We are starting to realize that Hope just loves to be helping and involved. In fact the key to getting her to eat dinner is to let her help. Here are a few pictures of he helping with the leaves this fall.

Best Friend

I want to remember this forever! We are coming out of just about the roughest 24 hour period that I can remember. Picture Hope vomiting for almost 18 hours straight, and about 2 hours was every 5-10 minutes. Yeah, pretty rough as far as I am concerned. Eric so kindly took over the night hours, because in my very pregnant state, I was totally exhausted and my body wasn't going to let me get away with much more. My husband is the best. (At least I think so!)

This morning I was laying next to Hope in our bed on a pillow just looking at each other and talking. Out of the blue she puts her arm around my neck and says "You're my best friend."

PRICELESS

Just Because

Just because I ran across this picture at mom and dad's today. This picture just struck me. Like I said. Just Because...



Hope just saw the picture and said, "I love my baby brother." She is still confused about the fact that she will be having her 2nd baby brother. That's okay. She'll figure it out sometime. Maybe years from now.

Follow the Prophet Version 3.0

I just had to post this because I think this is very funny!

Soon after I posted the last time, she changed don't go a street, to don't go a straight. But NOW it is...

Follow my Pampa, follow MY Pampa don't go a straight!

Pampa = Grandpa

She is the best (Obviously I think that!)

Halloween 2010

The previous 2 years, I have made the main parts of Hope's costumes. This year, I just wasn't in the mood I guess. I may be a bit biased, but I am pretty sure she was the cutest little ice cream cone I have ever seen! We actually did a few fun things. First we went and surprised Jordan at her work. Unfortunately I didn't get any pictures.

The Saturday before, Eric had to work. He was on the project at the zoo, so we decided to go down and see him. The zoo was having the boo at the zoo, so we thought we'd try it out. Let's just say I was glad we didn't have to pay to get in. The first 2 hours were GREAT. Very quiet, then it was insanely packed with people. We skipped most of the trick or treating stations, as Hope didn't care about the candy. She was way more excited about the animals. The lines were a mile long for a piece of candy! We still had a blast, and the bonus was Eric got to join us for a little bit. Oh yeah, then he took us for a ride on the golf cart. Needless to say Hope loved it even if she wanted to go faster.

Saturday night was the ward trunk or treat, so we went to that. Even if we ran out of candy 10 minutes into the trunk or treat. There had to be at least 4 times the number of kids that everyone was expecting.


We did go trick or treating to grandma and grandpas on Sunday. I think they made up for missing the real thing. I took some pictures, but they really didn't turn out of the party. Complete with fog machine, scary music, candles, and eating dinner from witches cauldrons with spiders in the web over our heads. It was quite a party I tell you!

then we decorated sugar cookies for dessert. Hope didn't want anything to do with the cookie once she tried the sprinkles.

I think the hightlight of her night was helping Jordan hand out candy. We were cracking up when towards the end of the night, she opened the door and said, "Happy Halloween!" Then before they closed the door, she would say, "You're so TOOT!" (cute)

Pumpkin Patch and Carving Pumpkins

This year was a lot of fun picking out pumpkins with Hope.

Eric obviously couldn't pass up THIS photo op!

Hope definitely had her opinion about what she wanted. Eric and I each carried a big pumpkin from the top of the hill. But once we got to the car she changed her mind. I love it that she wanted the only greed pumpkin in the field! Hey, we told her she could pick any pumpkin that she wanted! The big one was Erics and the baking one... well, was supposed to be mine. After I about chopped my finger off, I decided to just use it as a decoration!

We had fun carving the pumpkin, and Hope loved the end result. This was the pattern she picked out of the many options Eric found online.

Follow the Prophet

Before bed every night, I rock Hope and we talk about the day before I sing a few songs, and off to bed. Last night, I asked Hope about nursery. Among other things, she said they sang songs. Then she started to sing Follow the Prophet. This is how her version goes.

Instead of: Follow the Prophet, follow the Prophet, don't go astray...
Hope sings: Follow the Prophet, Follow my Prophet don't go a street...

Classic

I LOVE these pictures! This is so classic of Hope and what she loves about her pam-pa and dam-ma (her current ways of saying Grandpa and Grandma). She loves to grab their reading glasses, and sit and act like she is reading their books or whatever else she can find.

On this morning, I was working out, and Grandpa just walked down the stairs. She caught him right away with one of her books, and asked him to read. So, they sat on the stairs, and Grandpa pulled out his glasses. Hope said, "wait, wait" and went and got her (really Grandmas) glasses. They just sat there reading. I just couldn't help it, I had to ruin the moment with a picture to remember it for a long time.

For the time that she took to warm up to Grandpa, she just can't get enough now. Just now we were looking through the pictures on the computer and she saw a picture of Grandma, Grandpa and Jordan and said, "I lub (love) my pampa, pamma and Joran!"



She also just asked me to read her a book and asked her to let me just finish this. She said "Mama, you are a stinter magoo!" I LOVE THIS GIRL. She had just been so pleasant and fun to have around the last few weeks. How do I keep this pleasant Hope from becoming the moody one? I guess it is just part of the process?

We've got a serious drain problem!

It is called my husbands finger is plugging the drain! We had a slow leak in our bathroom sink, so Eric decided to take it all apart. (Of course my long hair NEVER clogs the drains!) After a few minutes, I hear, "Summer can you please come here and help me?" Of course I figured it was going to be going to retrieve the 15th instrument necessary for the project. NOPE he had his finger seriously stuck!

I ran to the kitchen and grabbed oil and soap and ice water. Thinking something should work if we did it quick enough. NOPE. He had to get cut out. I called my parents that happened to be very close, but on their way to dinner. I was NOT going to be the one to cut him out. Thanks to Dad, he got to do the dirty work. Sorry Honey, I know you didn't want people to see these pics.....