Water FUN!

Last year Jordan gave Hope a flower sprinkler head, but it wasn't until this year that we really got to try it out. Right as we were headed out the door, we got a phone call that my Dad was on his way to the hospital with another heart attack. We only spent a few minutes before I decided to head to the hospital, even though we weren't sure what was going on yet. Hope had a great time and I still managed to take a few pictures. Probably because I already had the camera in hand!




There is a new park over by the office that has some really fun things. We were over that way this last Saturday, and we decided to go to the park. We didn't know that it has some really fun water features for the kids, so were weren't really prepared. We had a blast anyway, and just let Hope have fun in her clothes.





We were headed to the store, and didn't have a change of clothes. My brilliant husband had the idea to hang her clothes outside the window to try and get them to dry. We definitely had a few people pointing and laughing. I guess their Mothers never taught them it wasn't nice to point and laugh!

Getting caught up

Okay, so I haven't posted in a while, so I guess it is time to get caught up. I don't know why, but when I look at these pictures, I feel like my baby is growing into a little girl!


This night was really funny because it was a Sunday and Hope hadn't gotten a nap. She was so tired. She sat for an hour trying to build huge stacks from all of her puzzle pieces that she had collected. She definitely did not want any help, from anyone!

She dumped a whole bunch of OJ down the front of her and thought it was pretty funny.


It is so rare that I get a picture with her "real" smile, I just have to share.

Going Private-Seriously!

Hello friends and family. I know I said it a few months ago, and never got around to doing it. I let my life get in the way. Anyway, if you want to keep up with us, please send me an e-mail or post a comment. I will be going private in less than 24hrs. I know there are a few friends of family members, long time friends etc that read our blog. We will be happy to include you too! All I will say is that I have had an experience that freaked me out, hence the immediate nature of the change. Happy blogging.

He's My Son

There is a song that my sister Chelsea told me about back when I was still carrying Gunner, fully aware of what I was going to be facing. She warned me that it was a song that I should listen to when I needed a good cry. Well, she was right. I have resisted adding it to the blog because I wasn't quite sure if I could handle listening to it more than when I am alone at my computer. Well, I have grown to LOVE the song.

Obviously it is not about our special son Gunner, it is about the other important "Son" in my life, my Savior. It is a great song, and has so much meaning to me. By Mark Shultz, He's My Son, it is the first song on my play list. Once I added it, I added several others, some that make me feel happy like Jack Johnson, others are memories from High School, like Big Head Todd and the Monsters, some random songs that remind me of special things about my life with Eric.

Lately, I have been turning to music. Sometimes a good song can influence us to feel. Feel whatever it is we need to feel. I am learning that allowing myself to just feel is actually healthy and is allowing me to continue on the path of healing.

The other thing that I am realizing is that sometimes on this blog, it is an outlet that I share a whole lot more than I intend to when I start out. I feel like I am an open book. But once I type it out, I feel better. So am sorry to the few people that read this and may be getting tired of my ramblings.

Blessings and first trip back to Gunner's burial site

I feel so blessed. I am so grateful to be in a place where I can look at some of my trials and my first thoughts are of the blessings and growth that have come. My heart is so full of gratitude. I recently heard of a family that lost a child in a similar situation to ours. The difference is that the baby was very badly malformed. When we first learned about Trisomy 13, it is very uncommon to have a child that looks as "normal" as Gunner did. His visible abnormalities were very mild compared to what they could have been.

The blessing to me is that when I get to see our son again, I will actually recognize him! I was also given enough time with him that I have been able to preserve many tings to keep his memory close to me and to be able to share them with our children as they grow. I can't even begin to share the spiritual growth that has happened.

We did go to the grave site a couple of weeks ago. It was so nice to spend a little time thinking that he knew we were there with him. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I was hoping for just a small glimpse or experience where I KNEW he was there. Nothing profound happened, but I was still grateful that we made it back. If I can figure out how to get pictures downloaded again, I will post a few from our trip to Estes.

That's my girl!

The funniest thing happened when we went out to Chili's for dinner this weekend. In the car on the way to the restaurant, we told Hope that if she was a good girl, we would order chips and salsa, because she loves them, and so do we. When we first got there, the waitress came over and took our drink order. Then she left and the manager came over just to check on us. As she was standing there, the manager looked right at Hope and was saying how cute she was. Hope looked at the manager and said, "Um water, chips" just ordering exactly what she wanted. Several of the tables right around us were laughing right along with us. It just cracked me up how much she is growing up and willing to just speak up for herself! The bribery worked, because she was really good the whole dinner.

Headstone Update.

Just thought I might post an update about Gunners headstone. We are so grateful to be able to have ordered the headstone. They are trying to get it ready to be placed by memorial day. We are so happy with the design, and hope that it comes out as planned. I am pretty sure that the headstone designer thinks we are downright insane. In fact, when we went to sit down with her to finalize things, I made a comment that we are probably the craziest people that she has ever worked with. She said that there was a family about 20 years ago that was almost as "particular" as us. I can see after spending an hour measuring every single element for Eric, why she might think that we are a little "particular"! That is just they way Eric is, nothing less than the best for those he loves.

I have been having a strong urge recently to find a way to feel Gunner close. We were planning on going up to Estes this last weekend, but the weather didn't cooperate. So, in the next couple of weeks I need to find a way to get to the temple, or up to Estes. I tried to prepare Eric for the idea that I may just drive myself and Hope up to Estes one of these days. I know he wants to go too, but I have a NEED to feel Gunner close to me. It seems that it has been a decade since I have felt him near.

Easter 2010

In addition to the fun of Easter this year, we were able to listen to conference. I thought it was incredible, and I was pretty sure that the whole conference was given just for me. I can honestly say that I want to be a better person because of what was said during many of the talks.

We had our Easter service the week before, so Hope had the chance to wear her new Easter dress. Unfortunately we took pictures while her hair was still wet and not done, but she looks pretty cute anyway, I think.

This was her Easter basket. Ignore the mess of toys shoved in the corner of the living room. The play room down stairs won't be done soon enough I am afraid.

The funniest thing was when she saw the trail of jelly beans to her basket she said "Oh no! Mess!" then tried to get it all cleaned up until she saw the eggs and realized that this could be pretty fun. We call this straight-from-bed-head.

She shakes when she gets excited, and that is what she is doing here. If you notice the lovely pj's, it is out of necessity that they are #1-boys pj's (75%off, and since we were just going to cut them up...) #2-feet cut out so that we can zip them up the back. When we got home from the hospital, she started taking ALL of her clothes off, including her diaper every chance she got. It got to the point that we were having to go in 5-8 times a night to get her dressed, change bedding etc etc. So for the sake of my SANITY we came up with a way to prevent her from climbing out of her pj's. Hence backwards Pj's! Eric thought that duct taping her diaper on seemed too cruel, so he came up with this modification. Works great FYI!

The first pair of Pj's that Eric artistically modified!

Hope was able to have another egg hunt at Grandma and Grandpas house after conference. As soon as we pulled up to the house and she saw the balloons and eggs hiding she started shaking all over again. Hope everyone had a great Easter!

Our remodel project

For the few of you that know what a mess we are in right now, I thought that I would share a few pics from our basement remodel. We live in an older home, and love the big established trees, that is until they start invading the plumbing. Long story short, we had a sewer main break in our basement, so my incredibly talented husband decided that he (and my dad of course) will do most of the work and we will re-do the WHOLE 1200 sq feet of our basement. I think I will just let the pictures tell the story. Can I tell you that after a LONG day of hauling brick, concrete and destroying whatever he can get his hands on, my husband also spends 2-3 hours cleaning the upstairs so that Hope and I can come home to a clean home. Eric is truly incredible, and I am so blessed to have him!



All of the windows used to be the small 1'x 2' windows, but we cut into the foundation to make some of the windows 4'x4'. It is such a huge improvement, I wish we could have done all of the windows!

Hope is 2!

Hope turned 2 a few weeks ago, and I can't believe how time has slipped by! Can I just say that I am CRAZY about this girl. She is so much fun, and is so pleasant to have around (okay, 98% of the time!) She lives to have Eric and I close by. She is such a little sponge. We told her how to spell her name twice, and she still remembers, she is doing great with her numbers and is saying more and more everyday. Hope LOVES to dance, and read books. She is a great helper, and as long as I let her help with everything I am doing, all goes smoothly. Recently she says "I want to hold you" which actually means "I want you to hold ME". That's okay, she'll get it right sometime. She is so loving and happy. Here are a few pictures from her birthday. We had a last minute party at Grandma and Grandpas, because of our basement (which I will post pictures of later). Hope has picked up on Dora, so we went with that since it was an easy theme. I wasn't quite feeling up to doing anything big this year.

We went to meet Eric at work for lunch and headed to the new Cafe Rio (our new favorite!) This was on our way.


The lady cleaning the tables found out it was Hopes birthday and had everyone serving sing happy birthday while she brought out a little cake for Hope. I wish they wouldn't have done that because I would have never known how incredible the tres leches cake is!

This is what she did while we all sang Happy Birthday! She was showing her shy side.

So happy!

Hope and Hope

So obviously, Hope has a double meaning to me these days. There is our 2 year old daughter(tomorrow is actually her birthday!). Then there is the Hope that comes after the trials of life. Gunner was born 8 weeks ago today, and my life feels like I am headed towards healing. I occasionally have thoughts that keep running through my mind as a reminder of the many blessings that I have experienced.

When I rock Hope before nap time and bed time, I sing some hymns and primary songs to her. (Trust me, I sing quiet enough so that only Hope must endure my singing voice!) I have always loved the hymn, "We Thank Thee, Oh God, For a Prophet", but at first I couldn't remember the words. So, I learned the first verse and added it to our sleep time ritual. A few weeks before we learned of Gunners condition, I decided that I also wanted to learn the 2nd verse. Having the desire to learn the second verse to songs, is not usually something that I do. The nagging in the back of my mind, pushed me to pick up the hymn book during sacrament meeting one day several months ago.

The second verse has helped me through some very trying times recently. When I first discovered how the song had a double meaning of Hope to me, I was overwhelmed with the love and gratitude I felt for Hope (yes, both of them). The second verse goes...

When dark clouds of trouble hang over us
And threaten our peace to destroy,
There is HOPE smiling brightly before us,
And we know that deliverance is nigh!!!

Gunners Burial

We buried Gunner on January 19th, 2010 at the Estes Valley Memorial Gardens. The day started out windy and very cold. It was so incredible that every single one of our 9 siblings put their lives on hold to be there for us. We know that everyone sacrificed to be there. (We missed our two sisters-in-law and a niece that were unable to make it!)

The service was only about 20-25 minutes, just what we were hoping for. We asked our mothers to offer the prayers. Which, we knew was somewhat unfair considering they each followed a song that came with some difficult memories. We also asked our fathers to share a few words. Bishop Cleverley conducted the service, and offered a few words also. We had all of Gunners cousins sing "I Am A Child of God." I was impressed at how much they all seemed touched by what they were experiencing. Which can I mention I am sure is confusing to young children.

One side note is about when we were planning the service with Bishop Cleverley. I felt very strongly that we needed to ask our mothers to pray, even though I knew it was almost asking too much. It seemed obvious to ask our fathers to say a few words. The other obvious was that we wanted to close with the hymn "Families Can Be Together Forever." What was less obvious was what we should sing for the opening hymn, so we skipped it for a few minutes. The only hymn that kept coming to me was "Because I Have Been Given Much." My first thought was how unrelated the song is for a burial. Since, I have really come to understand just how relevant the song was and how grateful I am that I followed the prompting that I received.

As the last car pulled away, it began to snow. Eric and I weren't quite ready to leave, so we stayed a little longer. By the time Eric and I left, the ground was covered by a beautiful white blanket of snow. The cemetery is just beautiful, but covered by snow it had a different feel, almost like it had been a renewal? I don't have the words to explain just how it felt that day, and how it still feels in my heart.

When we first found out that we would need to start thinking about a burial, it felt overwhelming to be 30 years old and making such a decision. One day, I was going about my day and the thought came to me that we should look into the Estes Park cemetery. We quickly dismissed it when we found out that it would be considerably more expensive than other options. Long story short, the spirit started to pull Eric in that direction also. When he went to visit the cemetery the day after Gunner passed away, he couldn't deny that the spirit wanted this to be the final resting place for Gunner. The Lord has provided a way. Thank you to all of you that have given us so much support. I can't tell you how everyones kindness have made it possible for us to do what we felt Heavenly Father was asking us to do. It is difficult for us to accept the help, but we are also so overwhelmed by the generosity! Again, thank you!

Why Estes Park? For those of you that may not know we say that our family was started in Estes Park, Colorado. When Eric and I met, I was a senior in high school and Eric was living and working in Estes after graduating from high school there. MUCH of the time we spent in first our friendship, then dating, then engagement was spent either in Estes or traveling in between. That is at least an hour and 15 minute drive one way. Most weeks Eric made the trip many times.

We are now working on the headstone, and once that is in place, I am sure I will post again.

Eric carrying Gunner from the car to the burial site.



The cousins (and Hope) singing "I Am A Child Of God"



Eric's family except Aarons wife Pam and daughter Brynlee.

My family except Gables wife Laura.

This is to show you the contrast of just a few minutes. The snow really came down for a few minutes, then stopped. It was beautiful and felt very peaceful. I had to go and sit down in the car before Eric was ready to leave.

Like I said...

Red curly hair! I was just looking through some pictures and found this great one of Gunners notorious hair. Just wanted to share. Beautiful red curly hair...

One month

I keep sitting down to try and express my gratitude, but I am not sure there are words to really allow me to do it adequately. So, I guess I will just say THANK YOU. THANK YOU to our parents, THANK YOU to our siblings, THANK YOU to our extended families, aunts and uncles, cousins, THANK YOU to our friends and ward family, THANK YOU to those people that I have never even met except through kind words, prayers, and donations. But most of all THANK YOU to my Father in Heaven.

A month ago today, we were in the hospital holding Gunner in our arms, surrounded by family. Over the course of the last month, I wish that I could say I always had it together and that there weren't some moments I wasn't quite sure how I could ever feel joy again. To be perfectly honest, there have been a few days that I was surrounded by such a fog that all I could do was feel sorry for myself. I call those day my "feeling picked on days." I am so grateful to say that I had those days, but they were only a handful of days, not everyday over the last month.

Words can't express my gratitude those people in my life that have been there to rescue me during those moments. I wish I could name each person, but that would be impossible. Please know that your calls, cards and e-mails have been what has pulled me through the moments of grief.

The only reason I mention the difficult moments is because I am afraid of people thinking that I am trying to act like things are okay and that I am not willing to admit that sometimes my life is anything but put together. I am even more afraid of people wondering if I even loved our son, because I am trying to resume my life.

I KNOW that my Father in Heaven loves me. I know that because he gave me the gospel, the atonement, and temple ordinances that allow us to remain with our families. He put me in a place that I have always been surrounded by an incredible family. He has always provided me a way to do what He is asking me to do. He has allowed me to feel the loss of our son, but he makes those times brief then he pulls me back into the comfort of the spirit. What I should say is that I know that He loves EACH of us because of the miracles that he has given us.

I just said to my mom yesterday that I don't want to be defined by this tragedy in my life. The truth is right now, it feels like I am, but that will lessen as the grief eases. My life has been changed forever, and that doesn't have to define me. However, it will always be a part of me.

Sorry for the rant. I promise this blog won't turn into a downer. It can't because there is too much in my life to be happy about. I can't promise that there won't occasionally be these kinds of posts. I hope to post on the burial sometime soon, because it was beautiful and I would love to share it with everyone as well as have it recorded here in our family journal.

Families are Forever!

Gunner Lee McCain

Gunner Lee McCain
January 13,2010 to January 14,2010

I have anticipated writing this post for the last 22 weeks, and I am still not quite sure how I want to do this. This has been a journey for our family. Interestingly several months ago we put the saying "Finding joy in the journey" up on our wall. I think that I will share the short story, as my journal has been a close companion of mine, and contains all the details. About 12 weeks ago, we learned that our second child, also our first son, was diagnosed with something called Trisomy 13.

We had never heard of Trisomy 13, and when we first heard about it we thought, that is okay we will do whatever it takes to fix "it". To our shock, there was more to learn about this chromosomal condition. The doctors tried to tell us that Trisomy 13 is not "compatible with life". Our thoughts? That's okay, we'll fix it, we'll do whatever it takes! We learned that Trisomy 13 is so severe that most likely every system in his little body would be affected including his brain and heart. The specialist had seen potentially serious problems with the left ventricle of the heart and with the cerebellum in the brain. Still, we maintained hope in our hearts and in our prayers that we may be blessed with a miracle.

What we didn't realize initially was that we were lucky that we were well into the 3rd trimester, and any amount of time that we were given to spend with Gunner was truly a gift from our Father in Heaven.



We went to the hospital early in the morning on January 13th and because he was in the breach position, we tried to turn him, without success. So, we decided to continue with a c-section. I truly cannot express the true happiness when I heard the first cry from Gunners mouth. Everyone else in the room was commenting on his red curly hair. Which, can I mention has been something that Eric and I have joked about having a boy with red curly hair for years. He was just perfect with his full head of red curly hair!

The next 35 hours were truly the most amazing, terrifying and wonderful hours. We showed Gunner the most love that we could in the time that we were given. We didn't sleep or rest, all we could find the energy to do, was hold him, kiss him and try to soak up every little detail that I will try to remember for the rest of my life. If you look at him, he was given some minor imperfections, which served as a reminder of his perfect spirit.

We believe that we did receive a miracle. Actually we received too many miracles to count. The amazing thing is how much we have grown as individuals as well as a family. The journey has been long and hard, but also a great source of growth. I love my husband more today than I ever thought possible. I am so grateful for Hope. From the very beginning, we knew that facing this without her would seem impossible.



About 2 weeks into this journey, I was praying and when I was finished, I knew 2 things for absolutely certain. One, my Father in Heaven loves me in just the same way that I love my children. That He is not punishing me, but that He is actually blessing me, and at some point in the eternities, I will come to understand that blessing. Two, that all He is asking of me is to turn my will over to Him. As I was able to try and do this, he took the pain away and replaced it with an overwhelming gratitude for the blessings in my life.



Words cannot express our gratitude to our families and friends that have been there to support us. Our families and friends are one of the miracles that we have been given, thank you!

I am so grateful for this journey, although the journey is not yet over. I am grateful to know that families are forever. Here are a few of the pictures that we have of Gunner. All the tears you see are tears of joy. To see more pictures of Gunner, press the play button on the picture below to see more pictures.



Also, thanks to Jeff Weber for taking the professional pictures. They are truly priceless!