Perfected

This may be one of those posts that just disappears in a few hours.  I seem to like to do those lately.  I guess I am crazy but I did that a lot around Gunners 2nd birthday.  Just had thoughts to get written down, then once they are written, don't really feel a need to share.  Note to myself (the lone visitor of this little blog)  I am going to get this thing updated one way or another!

I go through times where I seem to have constant "themes" in my mind.  Right now it is about being, or at least portraying myself as perfect, in the sense as having life figured out, on top of everything etc etc.  This is my decision: I am NOT anywhere close to being perfect, and that is exactly where I want to be! 

I am not the perfect mom(this one makes me a wee bit sad), wife, sister, daughter, YW leader, neighbor, or whatever else I should be perfect at.  

I don't have the perfect body (never have, and lets face it, never will!!!)

I don't always keep a perfectly clean home, serve perfectly prepared meals, or have crisp folded laundry.

I sometimes make choices, like, baking my kids treats, instead of folding my 3 load high stack of laundry (ahem, I may be talking about today ;) )

Sometimes, I let Hope go to church with black shoes when really the white shoes would look "perfect."

What I have come to accept though, is that it is only once I let go of the facade, I am actually perfectly happy with imperfection!  I have learned to love more readily, serve more willingly and accept the guidance of the spirit with all that I am.  I have found the spirit to be more of a part of my every day life.  I strive every day to put my pride aside, so that I can actually do the things that fulfill me and the work that I believe I was sent here to do.  I wish I could say laundry fulfills me, but for some reason, it just doesn't!

I found that trying to be something on the outside that I wasn't feeling on the inside was actually keeping me in a constant state of unrest.  So, for now, I am working to find my internal peace and acceptance of my flaws.  I am finding that I need to accept those as opportunities to actually welcome the changes that are ever needed.   

For now:

 I am perfectly,

 blissfully,

 imperfect! 

THIS is what fulfills me!

Not the "cutest" pic of Gage.  so here's another:

This makes me...

Happy and sad at the same time.

I think this is one of my all time favorites.

And this is the other.

And there was Hope. She is still one of my bright spots.

Random

I know I need to update the blog but, I just haven't sat down to download photos from the 2 different places I have pics. So, just a quick picture of our big boy. I wish I had a recent one of Hope too, but I will soon.

Just this week, I thought of something that I wanted to write down so I don't forget it. Our sweet Hope is a girl that loves to follow routines. Every morning that it is just us eating, like when Eric is at work, we have this little routine we have to follow it goes like this:

1. Hope pulls out my chair for me. Once I sit down, she pushes me in.
2. I pull her chair out and push it in for her.
3. She raises her right hand and with my left hand we give each other a high five. (It is not acceptable for either of us to attempt to high five with the other hand, trust me I have tried!)

I love it! She NEVER does it if anyone else is around.

By the way I am so in love with this boy too. He is always smiling, unless you get your camera out. Then the smiles magically disappear.

Smile

This picture just makes me smile.

New Gage Pictures

I thought it was time to post some new pictures. This boy is such a sweet and special guy. There are 2 other people in this house that love him just as much as I do. You can tell Gage is just as crazy about Hope as she is about him. The only difference is that she shows it by smothering him and he just smiles and tries to talk to her.



This Sunday was our first time back to church, so I had to take a picture of the big event.

My favorite picture yet...

Just a random Hope pic. She loves to make faces at herself in the mirror. A couple caught on Sunday. The growling and gurgling sounds really round out the experience, sorry you have to miss that part!

Our 3 Year Old

I can't believe Hope is 3! We had such a blast for her birthday. We started out at the Aquarium. Eric has been wanting to take Hope there since she was born! So I wondered if this was really an early birthday present for him??? Regardless we ALL had a blast. I will always remember when we were walking back to the car, I came to the realization that most likely, this was the last "fun" thing we would do as a family of 3. I had mixed emotions at the time.


Other fun pictures!



This is the last part where you can buy food to feed the rays. Hope did it once and then she was DONE. The first time Eric and I ever went to the aquarium, was with my office Christmas dinner. Eric was wet up to his shoulders and would have been swimming with the rays if he had half a chance.

Hope ate lunch outside then she was showing off her moves...



After nap we had a small Cinderella birthday party. Let me be perfectly clear, I know NOTHING about making cute cakes. I was glad I did it despite the flaws and intimidation. It was even kind of fun.



Happy birthday my sweet girl.

Pictures of Gage

I am the worst about taking pictures! I don't have a ton of pictures, but here are a few from the last couple of weeks.

This is the best little guy. He is eating well, sleeping well, and just an absolute pleasure to have around. He is already giving me a 5 hour stretch at night. We had to take him to the pediatrician a week ago today for a check up on his slight jaundice. Then we had his 2 week visit this last Wednesday. They couldn't believe that in those 5 days he had already gained a pound.

On to the pictures.

This one is for Abbie. Just a week or so before we had Gage, we were having a conversation about how some people look picture perfect for the pictures right after delivery. She said she wanted to have that opportunity. Not me! I specifically got in the shower before heading to the hospital with the intention of washing off my makeup.


This is my "Beef Cake"


This was Hopes first funny face for her baby brother. She had been talking about this moment for months, literally!



These are from today. He is almost 2 weeks old. Tell me, has he changed? Everyone keeps asking me who he looks like. The jury is still out for me. Tell me who you think he looks like!

Gage Gunner McCain

He's here!

Gage Gunner McCain
Born on March 27,2011
9 lbs 7 oz
21 1/2 inches long

Everyone including big sister Hope is doing well, and loving every minute of the new addition to the family. He is a sweet little guy and is already enriching our lives so much. As soon as I figure out how to put pictures on my new computer, I will post some. He is so dang cute!

Oxygen

We're kinda bummed around the McCain house. Hope is still on oxygen for another WEEK! We had our appointment today, and her numbers were between 88-92. The doctor wanted her to be solidly, and consistently above 90. So, we can take the oxygen off some during the day, but it is still a must for sleeping.

I learned an interesting thing about prayer today. Sometimes I learn lessons in mysterious ways. All week I have been praying that the doctors would be directed to know the best thing to do to help Hope. Well, I found myself in the doctors office praying for MY wants to happen. NO MORE OXYGEN.

It wasn't until the ride home, that I realized that I am grateful that Heavenly Father knows when to actually listen to my prayers! I know that it really is best for her to be on the oxygen, but it is definitely not what I want.

Bottom line: I am grateful that my prayers for Hopes best interest beat out my prayers for my own selfish desires!

RSV, Pneumonia and a Night in Childrens Urgent Care

Thursday February 17th, I realized that Hope was starting with another cold. Then Friday and Saturday she ran a fever of around 100 to 101, off and on. She acted pretty normal in the morning, but then by early afternoon, she was really tired and feverish. Sunday, Eric stayed home with Hope since I had to go to church. By the time I got home at 12:30 she had only been awake a few very short minutes in short intervals and was breathing rapidly. She was breathing about 55-60 breaths a minute when she should be in the 25 range. I called our Pediatrician, then was routed to Children's Hospital for after hours care. After talking to the nurse, she said we needed to take her to urgent care to have her looked at.

Somewhat reluctantly (what else would she pick up while there?)we left to head up to the Urgent care at Hwy 7 and I-25. Let me stop and tell you if you live in the area at all, I think it is the ONLY place to take kids! They were very good about cleaning everything, and the staff was awesome!

As soon as they took her oxygen level, it became a bit of a whirlwind. She was at about 80 when she should have been at 95+. The Doctor came in immediately and listened to her lungs. He said she had Pneumonia and that we would be spending the night. Thankfully we got the last room of the night! An x-ray confirmed bacterial pneumonia. They treated her as if it was RSV with pneumonia.

What a terrible night in the hospital! We had only slept about 3 hours the night before, so we were already sleep deprived. Then a 30 minute nap in the hospital all night. I was totally delusional!

Anyway, we only had to stay 1 night. We are now home on oxygen until tomorrow when we go back to the doctor to see if we can take it off. Keeping our fingers crossed!

Soon after we got to the room. They gave her a new blanket, toys, books, stuffed animals, hundreds of movies to choose from, and new slippers. They are definitely set up for Children!

Watching a movie on Daddy's phone.

Whenever we wanted to go for a walk, Hope had to wear a mask. At first I told the nurse there was no way she was going to wear it. You should have seen us trying to get the oxygen on her! But she did great! We ended up going for about 5 walks, and that is the biggest reason they let us go home instead of staying another night.

Hope's First Trip to the Dentist

Hope just went to the Dentist for the first time! She did great! One of the other hygienists, Danielle, has a son that is about 4 months older than Hope. We both thought that our kiddos might be more cooperative for someone else. So, we met there to clean the other kid. Danielle started but Hope decided that she would rather have Mama do it, so I actually polished her teeth. It was a lot of fun. Then Grandpa took his turn. He demanded payment at the time of service, a big kiss!!

Gunner's 1 Year Milestones

When Gunner's 1st birthday came this year, I was not prepared for the magnitude in which it hit me. I thought I may feel a little grief, but was amazed at how difficult it actually was. The night before his birthday, I was making banana bread, just because I wanted to, and because both Eric and Hope love it. It was then, that it occurred to me that I should be baking a 1st birthday cake. From that moment, I was overwhelmed by the sadness and grief.

His birthday was a very difficult day for me. I don't know how else to explain how I felt, but pure grief. I will forever miss his firsts. First birthday, first word, first smile, first temper tantrum, first fall, first day of school, endless and countless firsts.

My mom rescued me that day. She was much more prepared for my emotions than I was. My mother in law made the phone call that I couldn't even answer the phone without bursting into tears. Thank you to all that remembered in whatever way that day. I have learned that I do better being surrounded by people at those hard times.

The day of his death was somehow easier. Probably because Eric took the day off so that we could go up to Estes. My mom and Jordan were able to go with us as well. It was actually the first time Jordan had been back to see the headstone. I remember it was freezing, so we didn't stay too long. Jordan brought up 2 really cute dogs, one for Hope and one for Gunner.

We had a nice time and after getting some lunch (of course, that is part of the tradition of going to Estes!) we went to a park near by. The thing I will remember is that Eric was pushing Hope so high on the swing that I kept thinking, "Heavenly Father, you know I can live through losing another child, right?"

I love that Hope associates going to the mountains with going to see Gunner. The 1 year anniversary of the burial was also a difficult day, but again I was able to feel the sadness for a few moments, then return to my gratitude for the blessings in my life. I remember during that time when I prayed that I would tell Heavenly Father that I was sorry that I was feeling sorry for myself, but that if He just gave me a few short minutes of sadness, I could return to my gratitude. Sometimes when I tell Eric, that I talk to my Heavenly Father that way, I think he thinks I am a little crazy. But, I feel comfortable enough to be honest, and talk to my Father in Heaven like I do my Dad here on earth. Maybe I am crazy but I love my Father in Heaven and I am grateful that He accepts me for who I am.

Christmas 2010

I am really bummed at how few pictures I took for Christmas. It was so awesome to have everyone home. Hope was in HEAVEN playing with her cousins. I was in HEAVEN just having time with everyone. The time I love the most is when we are just at home visiting and spending time together.
The traditional PJ's for Christmas Eve. Unfortunately I guess I only got a picture of the little girls.

Letter to Santa and treats for Santa and the Reindeers. Carter was very graciously the scribe.


We stayed the night at my parents. I wasn't sure at first if she was going to be willing to stay in the room with the kids, but she was able to sleep through the commotion in the morning. They woke us up at 4:30, I think. Everyone else was up at 4:00. That may sound crazy to some, but it sounds like Christmas to me!



This year for Christmas Dad spend countless hours making all of us individualized boxes. They are incredibly beautiful. Each one was unique and custom for the individual. I need to get pictures to post.
This Christmas is going down in the records as a really special one, it doesn't get any better than having everyone together.
This last picture cracks me up because Hope really took to Ryan. This picture was after a bath and Ryan was the only one she would let comb her hair. She also let him adjust her while he was here. Ever since they have been gone, sometimes Hope will still ask if Ryan can come and play princess dress up etc. Too funny!