Hope and Hope

So obviously, Hope has a double meaning to me these days. There is our 2 year old daughter(tomorrow is actually her birthday!). Then there is the Hope that comes after the trials of life. Gunner was born 8 weeks ago today, and my life feels like I am headed towards healing. I occasionally have thoughts that keep running through my mind as a reminder of the many blessings that I have experienced.

When I rock Hope before nap time and bed time, I sing some hymns and primary songs to her. (Trust me, I sing quiet enough so that only Hope must endure my singing voice!) I have always loved the hymn, "We Thank Thee, Oh God, For a Prophet", but at first I couldn't remember the words. So, I learned the first verse and added it to our sleep time ritual. A few weeks before we learned of Gunners condition, I decided that I also wanted to learn the 2nd verse. Having the desire to learn the second verse to songs, is not usually something that I do. The nagging in the back of my mind, pushed me to pick up the hymn book during sacrament meeting one day several months ago.

The second verse has helped me through some very trying times recently. When I first discovered how the song had a double meaning of Hope to me, I was overwhelmed with the love and gratitude I felt for Hope (yes, both of them). The second verse goes...

When dark clouds of trouble hang over us
And threaten our peace to destroy,
There is HOPE smiling brightly before us,
And we know that deliverance is nigh!!!

Gunners Burial

We buried Gunner on January 19th, 2010 at the Estes Valley Memorial Gardens. The day started out windy and very cold. It was so incredible that every single one of our 9 siblings put their lives on hold to be there for us. We know that everyone sacrificed to be there. (We missed our two sisters-in-law and a niece that were unable to make it!)

The service was only about 20-25 minutes, just what we were hoping for. We asked our mothers to offer the prayers. Which, we knew was somewhat unfair considering they each followed a song that came with some difficult memories. We also asked our fathers to share a few words. Bishop Cleverley conducted the service, and offered a few words also. We had all of Gunners cousins sing "I Am A Child of God." I was impressed at how much they all seemed touched by what they were experiencing. Which can I mention I am sure is confusing to young children.

One side note is about when we were planning the service with Bishop Cleverley. I felt very strongly that we needed to ask our mothers to pray, even though I knew it was almost asking too much. It seemed obvious to ask our fathers to say a few words. The other obvious was that we wanted to close with the hymn "Families Can Be Together Forever." What was less obvious was what we should sing for the opening hymn, so we skipped it for a few minutes. The only hymn that kept coming to me was "Because I Have Been Given Much." My first thought was how unrelated the song is for a burial. Since, I have really come to understand just how relevant the song was and how grateful I am that I followed the prompting that I received.

As the last car pulled away, it began to snow. Eric and I weren't quite ready to leave, so we stayed a little longer. By the time Eric and I left, the ground was covered by a beautiful white blanket of snow. The cemetery is just beautiful, but covered by snow it had a different feel, almost like it had been a renewal? I don't have the words to explain just how it felt that day, and how it still feels in my heart.

When we first found out that we would need to start thinking about a burial, it felt overwhelming to be 30 years old and making such a decision. One day, I was going about my day and the thought came to me that we should look into the Estes Park cemetery. We quickly dismissed it when we found out that it would be considerably more expensive than other options. Long story short, the spirit started to pull Eric in that direction also. When he went to visit the cemetery the day after Gunner passed away, he couldn't deny that the spirit wanted this to be the final resting place for Gunner. The Lord has provided a way. Thank you to all of you that have given us so much support. I can't tell you how everyones kindness have made it possible for us to do what we felt Heavenly Father was asking us to do. It is difficult for us to accept the help, but we are also so overwhelmed by the generosity! Again, thank you!

Why Estes Park? For those of you that may not know we say that our family was started in Estes Park, Colorado. When Eric and I met, I was a senior in high school and Eric was living and working in Estes after graduating from high school there. MUCH of the time we spent in first our friendship, then dating, then engagement was spent either in Estes or traveling in between. That is at least an hour and 15 minute drive one way. Most weeks Eric made the trip many times.

We are now working on the headstone, and once that is in place, I am sure I will post again.

Eric carrying Gunner from the car to the burial site.



The cousins (and Hope) singing "I Am A Child Of God"



Eric's family except Aarons wife Pam and daughter Brynlee.

My family except Gables wife Laura.

This is to show you the contrast of just a few minutes. The snow really came down for a few minutes, then stopped. It was beautiful and felt very peaceful. I had to go and sit down in the car before Eric was ready to leave.

Like I said...

Red curly hair! I was just looking through some pictures and found this great one of Gunners notorious hair. Just wanted to share. Beautiful red curly hair...

One month

I keep sitting down to try and express my gratitude, but I am not sure there are words to really allow me to do it adequately. So, I guess I will just say THANK YOU. THANK YOU to our parents, THANK YOU to our siblings, THANK YOU to our extended families, aunts and uncles, cousins, THANK YOU to our friends and ward family, THANK YOU to those people that I have never even met except through kind words, prayers, and donations. But most of all THANK YOU to my Father in Heaven.

A month ago today, we were in the hospital holding Gunner in our arms, surrounded by family. Over the course of the last month, I wish that I could say I always had it together and that there weren't some moments I wasn't quite sure how I could ever feel joy again. To be perfectly honest, there have been a few days that I was surrounded by such a fog that all I could do was feel sorry for myself. I call those day my "feeling picked on days." I am so grateful to say that I had those days, but they were only a handful of days, not everyday over the last month.

Words can't express my gratitude those people in my life that have been there to rescue me during those moments. I wish I could name each person, but that would be impossible. Please know that your calls, cards and e-mails have been what has pulled me through the moments of grief.

The only reason I mention the difficult moments is because I am afraid of people thinking that I am trying to act like things are okay and that I am not willing to admit that sometimes my life is anything but put together. I am even more afraid of people wondering if I even loved our son, because I am trying to resume my life.

I KNOW that my Father in Heaven loves me. I know that because he gave me the gospel, the atonement, and temple ordinances that allow us to remain with our families. He put me in a place that I have always been surrounded by an incredible family. He has always provided me a way to do what He is asking me to do. He has allowed me to feel the loss of our son, but he makes those times brief then he pulls me back into the comfort of the spirit. What I should say is that I know that He loves EACH of us because of the miracles that he has given us.

I just said to my mom yesterday that I don't want to be defined by this tragedy in my life. The truth is right now, it feels like I am, but that will lessen as the grief eases. My life has been changed forever, and that doesn't have to define me. However, it will always be a part of me.

Sorry for the rant. I promise this blog won't turn into a downer. It can't because there is too much in my life to be happy about. I can't promise that there won't occasionally be these kinds of posts. I hope to post on the burial sometime soon, because it was beautiful and I would love to share it with everyone as well as have it recorded here in our family journal.

Families are Forever!

Gunner Lee McCain

Gunner Lee McCain
January 13,2010 to January 14,2010

I have anticipated writing this post for the last 22 weeks, and I am still not quite sure how I want to do this. This has been a journey for our family. Interestingly several months ago we put the saying "Finding joy in the journey" up on our wall. I think that I will share the short story, as my journal has been a close companion of mine, and contains all the details. About 12 weeks ago, we learned that our second child, also our first son, was diagnosed with something called Trisomy 13.

We had never heard of Trisomy 13, and when we first heard about it we thought, that is okay we will do whatever it takes to fix "it". To our shock, there was more to learn about this chromosomal condition. The doctors tried to tell us that Trisomy 13 is not "compatible with life". Our thoughts? That's okay, we'll fix it, we'll do whatever it takes! We learned that Trisomy 13 is so severe that most likely every system in his little body would be affected including his brain and heart. The specialist had seen potentially serious problems with the left ventricle of the heart and with the cerebellum in the brain. Still, we maintained hope in our hearts and in our prayers that we may be blessed with a miracle.

What we didn't realize initially was that we were lucky that we were well into the 3rd trimester, and any amount of time that we were given to spend with Gunner was truly a gift from our Father in Heaven.



We went to the hospital early in the morning on January 13th and because he was in the breach position, we tried to turn him, without success. So, we decided to continue with a c-section. I truly cannot express the true happiness when I heard the first cry from Gunners mouth. Everyone else in the room was commenting on his red curly hair. Which, can I mention has been something that Eric and I have joked about having a boy with red curly hair for years. He was just perfect with his full head of red curly hair!

The next 35 hours were truly the most amazing, terrifying and wonderful hours. We showed Gunner the most love that we could in the time that we were given. We didn't sleep or rest, all we could find the energy to do, was hold him, kiss him and try to soak up every little detail that I will try to remember for the rest of my life. If you look at him, he was given some minor imperfections, which served as a reminder of his perfect spirit.

We believe that we did receive a miracle. Actually we received too many miracles to count. The amazing thing is how much we have grown as individuals as well as a family. The journey has been long and hard, but also a great source of growth. I love my husband more today than I ever thought possible. I am so grateful for Hope. From the very beginning, we knew that facing this without her would seem impossible.



About 2 weeks into this journey, I was praying and when I was finished, I knew 2 things for absolutely certain. One, my Father in Heaven loves me in just the same way that I love my children. That He is not punishing me, but that He is actually blessing me, and at some point in the eternities, I will come to understand that blessing. Two, that all He is asking of me is to turn my will over to Him. As I was able to try and do this, he took the pain away and replaced it with an overwhelming gratitude for the blessings in my life.



Words cannot express our gratitude to our families and friends that have been there to support us. Our families and friends are one of the miracles that we have been given, thank you!

I am so grateful for this journey, although the journey is not yet over. I am grateful to know that families are forever. Here are a few of the pictures that we have of Gunner. All the tears you see are tears of joy. To see more pictures of Gunner, press the play button on the picture below to see more pictures.



Also, thanks to Jeff Weber for taking the professional pictures. They are truly priceless!

Christmas 2009

So Christmas this year was busy as usual but without all the family around that we are used to having around. Hope was really at a fun stage with opening gifts and joining in the traditions. Of course it starts with Christmas Eve PJ's. (I still can't take a picture without her pulling this fake smile looking face, isn't she a little young for that?!!?)

Eric spent hours and hours refurbishing a bike that we bought off of Craigs list. Of course being the perfectionist that he is, several pieces were resanded and painted multiple times. It had to be just perfect. I have to say I think it might be the cutest bike I've ever seen. Complete with her name and a little princess crown on the front.


I just ran across this picture from last year, it is amazing to think of all the experiences and growth we are blessed with each year. Hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

"Pity"

So, one day when my mom was watching Hope, she was painting her toe nails. Hope was apparantly pretty intrigued with it so my mom painted Hopes toe nails also. First thing when I walked in the door she held her foot out and said "pity" (aka pretty). Now everytime we take off her socks, everyone has to comment on her nails.

Going Private

After thinking about it for several months, I have decided to go private with our blog. If you would like to continue with our blog, please send me your e-mail address so I can add you to the list. Thanks!

Halloween

On Friday night we went to our ward Trunk-or-Treat, but unfortunately my batteries on my camera were dead. Saturday night we went to my parents house for dinner and then we went out with Chelsea, Jordan and the kids. We didn't go to too many houses, but we didn't need to, the kids already had tons of candy. Eric decided to let Hope have a sucker at 8:00 and she was wired until 10:00. At least she stayed awake for the bath that she desperately needed.

The kids dancing to scary music in the living room. Mom and Dad set up a fog machine, so they thought that was pretty cool.

This was the table for our scary dinner.

Chelsea had a really great idea for Halloween costumes, so I basically just copied her. Thank goodness one of us has some creativity. I am good at following a pattern, but not at creating one. I thought it turned out really cute. Might still fit next year too! Thanks Chels.


This was the first stop... Grandma and Grandpa's...and Jordan.

Pumpkin Patch

I have never been to a pumpkin patch before this year, but we had a lot of fun. Unfortunately we waited too long, and all of the pumpkins had frozen and were in various stages of mush. We didn't buy any, but had fun looking around. Hope didn't care about the pumpkins anyway. She spent most of the time playing with the dirt. Once she saw all of the animals, she didn't care about anything else.


This was when Hope first saw the animals, she does something we call her happy dance. She stomps her feet and swings her arms. She always does it when she is excited, like when Eric gets home from work.




Blowing kisses to all of the animals.

Hope loves to wear Daddys clothes!

This is a day that Hope put Eric's shirt on, and her sunglasses and was riding around the house on her train. She looked hilarious. I couldn't get her to get back on the train once I got the camera out. The last few months when we get the camera she always makes this weird "smiling" face.

First Snow

Here are a few pictures from our first snow. Eric and Hope were playing in the backyard. Notice she isn't dressed appropriately? I know, we didn't have great snow clothing. She still had a blast. Grandma McCain made the hat last year, and it fits just perfectly. Hope is now trying to get dressed by herself. That is why the hat was put on kind of funny.

First day of Nursery

This was Hope on her first day of nursery. She did really great the first day, we were there for 10 minutes, then snuck out. That was the first and the last, now she realizes we are going to leave and keeps a very close eye on us. If we get anywhere near the door, she loses it. Any ideas how to make this work????

Some more fun with Cousins

We got together with Kirsti and Mike and their three kids, Maddie, Tyler and Jeremy. We had a great time, even if we had to leave before making s'mores in the back yard. Thanks to Kirsti, we also have some new great recipes. Chelsea and Ryan and their 4 kids were also there. The kids all loved playing together.

THE sunglasses

So we bought Hope these sunglasses for $2.00 at Carters, but she will not put them down. Here are just a few of the funny pics.